The 7 most important men in a woman's life

The Doctor:Because, he tells you to take off your clothes.

The Dentist:Because, he tells you to open wide.

The Milkman:Because, he asks you;do you want it in the front or the back?

The Hairdresser: Because, he asks you do you want it blown or teased?

The Interior Decorater:Because, he tells you once it's in you'll like it.

The Banker:Because, he tells you, if you take it out to soon,you'll lose interest.

Last But Not Least,The Hunter:Because, he goes deep into the bush, he always shoots twice,and he always eats what he shoots.

Date Killers

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

1) "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra ?"
2) "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I had this coupon."
3) "No wine for me. My urologist says not to mix alcohol and penicillin."
4) "I used to come here all the time with my ex."
5) "I never said you need a nose job. I said you should consider it."
6) "My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear me on the answering machine every hour."
7) "I've really grown, used to be, I wouldn't give someone like you a second look."
8) "You don't have any sexual taboos, do ya?"
9) "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
10) "I've come to accept that most women I date just won't be as smart as I am."
11) "Glad you could make it on short notice. My girlfriend was busy."
12) "I can't wait until tomorrow to tell my shrink about you."

Signs Your Wife is Bored of Having Sex With You

1) When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til Pervez Musharraf kicks in a new U Turn."
2) Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your arse.
3) Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
4) Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
5) Only moans during commercial breaks.
6) Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
7) Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
8) You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.
9) Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
10) Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her shalwar on too.
11) Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
12) Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
13) Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.
14) Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.."

A young couple

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

How To Become A Dad

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ' 'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

The Whys of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE
EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and
they vapour lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Two Main Secrets

Angelina says: "Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."

The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, is disa true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?"

Giuseppi says: "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man. I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life: Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up!"

Nine words women use

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

Spontaneous Ad Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue Advertising Agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was that they had to use past AD slogans, originally written for other products . but which captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About thirty minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone in the entire Ad Agency!

The top ten suggested slogans were:

10. Viagra . Whaaaazzzz uuuuuuuuuupppp!
9. Viagra . The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra . When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra . Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra . Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra . Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra . Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra . We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. Viagra . This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.

Digital Conversation

This is a Conversation between a software engineer and his wife have a look

Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good evening dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning.
Husband: Syntax error. Abort,Retry, Cancel ?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers, or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters.. .
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: Status OK.
Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use... Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family?
Husband: Unknown Virus.
Wife: I am leaving this house?
Husband: System ready for transfer.Press ENTER to continue...

5 types of post-marriage sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the
honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're
blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of
the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even
in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a
bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the
bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in
which you pass each other in the hallway and say,
"Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This
is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in
front of everyone in the courtroom.

Wife Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Gotta love them Tennessee Girls.

Always Allow The Boss To Speak First

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, want these two idiots back right now

Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

Observant Daughter

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off!

Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Future Geniuses

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...... ......... ......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ............ ......... .bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ............ ........Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ............ ...termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ............ ...How?
6. Don't bite the hand that ............ ........looks dirty.
7. No news is ............ ......impossible
8. A miss is as good as a ............ ......... ..Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............ ....Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............ .......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............ .....Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............ ..pigs.
13. An idle mind is ............ .best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ............ ...pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ..........gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ..........not much.
17. Two's company, three's ............ .......the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............ ...you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ............ You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............ .Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ............ ...spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ............ ......... .get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ............ ....See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind ............ ......... get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand ............ .is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than ............ .......Pregnant

New Office Titles from 2008

In line with our constitution and to eliminate discrimination in our society, the following titles will now be used for these jobs:

Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager
Typist - Printed Document Handler
Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician
Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer
Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians
Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer
Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer
Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist
Cook - Food Preparation Officer
Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator
Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist

50 Things Men Wish You Knew

1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you’re wrong.
2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you’re not in the car.
5. If you’re truly interested in us, don’t play hard to get.
6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me–once.
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I’m inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
9. I’m hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
11. Don’t be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain’t pretty.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you’re nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
15. I don’t ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn’t always have to lead to sex.
18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
19. There’s no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren’t looking for the truth anyway.
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
24. If I offer my help while you’re getting ready, it means you’re late.
25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
28. Unless we’re meeting my parents.
29. When you call us at work “just to chat,” we’re not really listening; we’re checking our e-mail.
30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn’t need to be a mini-skirt; it’s been a long winter.
31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
32. We don’t mind being told we look good. Just don’t call it a “cute outfit.”
33. We love ponytails.
34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
35. The first time? We’re as nervous as you are.
36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
37. Make us laugh and we’ll want to hang around.
38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman’s problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words “naked” and “waiting.”
42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
43. Anytime you cook for us, we’re happy.
44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
45. No, I don’t remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I’m a guy, not a tape recorder.
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, “Do you think she’s pretty?”
49. Don’t rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
50. Never say, “I know you better than you know yourself.” Nobody does.

Wasting your life

A German teenage boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?" asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Oh Grandfather! " replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!" replied Grandpa. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied Grandpa. "The German army!"

Call In Sick

Bob calls in to his job:"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."The boss says:"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."2 hours later Bob calls:"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

A man was being interviewed for a job

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.