A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them
and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover
in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and
the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How
much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that... that is way more than those two
things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess
your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're
in my closet now.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Contagious
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious. ' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."
The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."
The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"
Monday, February 11, 2008
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they
can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast one time.
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on
my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on
my penis ... fifty times."
communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they
can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast one time.
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on
my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on
my penis ... fifty times."
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Is your Daddy home
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
The boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
Helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper, " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper. "
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
The boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
Helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper, " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper. "
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
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