Don't Disgrace your Family

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.”He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, ! I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Boss Leaves Fly Open

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and
said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your
garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open,
and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about
his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When
my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"

She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires."

Toilet

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

HR Manager's Love Letter

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 5th of November (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 27th of October at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
( HR Executive )

Chinese Call-Center

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Oh ......God!!!

Virgin Bride

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

Office Holiday Memo

To All Employees
From Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

The Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk

Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Office Christmas Party

10. "I think the icing on this cake is white-out"
9. "The bar will be open from 9:00 to 9:05"
8. "I've never seen chunky egg nog before"
7. "My New Year's resolution is to stop videotaping the men's room"
6. "Ooh, another windbreaker with the company logo - - This will help me put my kids through college"
5. "You're supposed to sit naked on the xerox machine, not the shredder"
4. "Put on Regis Philbin's Christmas album"
3. "Why is Shecky naked?"
2. "There's Letterman - - Get him!"
1. "Yeah, a glass of watery cider and a cookie makes up for a year of bullshit"

American vs Asian

An Asian guy is having his "SNACK" (bread and jam) when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Asian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Asian folks eat the whole bread??"
Asian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and export them to Asia."

The American has a smirk on his face. The Asia listens in silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"
Asian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to Asia."

The Asian (pissed of) then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Asian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."

Asian: "We don't. In Asia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to America.

The Wedding Night

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother,
gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going
out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom
if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you
think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up
yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think
I gave him my airplane glue.'

Why men never depress

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

What Happens When Teacher Die

A teacher dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there she meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates.Peter says to her, "Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you an orientation first." So Peter takes her to some beautiful houses.

The teacher asks, "Who lives here in these beautiful houses?"

"These are for doctors. They did a lot of good on Earth so they get a nice mansion," replies Peter. Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These were more magnificent than the first.

"Wow, who lives here?"

"These mansions are for social workers. They did a lot of good on Earth, but didn't make a lot of money so they get a better house." Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These are the most gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They have huge columns, well manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass windows - - - the works!

"These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen," exclaims the teacher. "Who lives here?!"

"Teachers live here," says Peter, "they did much good on Earth and received very little money, so they get the best houses in all of Heaven."

"But where are all of the teachers?" inquires the teacher.

Peter answers, "Oh, they'll be back soon. They're all in Hell at a faculty meeting."

Because I'm a man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like"Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 1st century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I will do the rest.

~ This has been ~
A public Service message for Women, to better understand the Male animal.

Smart Hubby

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

"Your horse called up"

What if this happens to u

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... ..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was
called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to
check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer

screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Why parents drink

Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
was
addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the
envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad
and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and
has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt
anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we
will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She
deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you
can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.