A guy went up to his father saying : Daddy , I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl !
Father : Thats great son , Who is it ?
...
Son : Its sandra , the neighbour's daughter
Father : Ohh ! I wish you hadnt said that .I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually yur sister
The boy naturally bummed out, but life goes on and indeed a couple of months later
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father : Thats great son who is it ?
Son : Its angela , The other neighbours daughter
Father : Ohhh ! I wish you hadnt said that . Angela is also yur sister This went on couple of times and the son was mad, he went straight to his mother crying
Son : Mom, I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six gals but i cant date any of them. Because dad is their father
The mother hugs him affectionaly and said : My son , you can date whomever you want, He isnt' your father .
Monday, December 19, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Two Little Boys
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,"Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,"Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Tips From the Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good
his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance,
such as, 'Yall sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Weddings
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
3.Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun
is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good
his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance,
such as, 'Yall sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Weddings
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
3.Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun
is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Women Friends chatting in office
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three
minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It
was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell
asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they
cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my
wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left
for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home
remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the
house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my
wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three
minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It
was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell
asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they
cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my
wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left
for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home
remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the
house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my
wife was jabbering away for another hour!
double meaning quotes
- "Take your clothes off." - The Doctor
- "Open wide." - The Dentist
- "Do you want it teased or blown?" - The Hairdresser
- "Do you want it in the front or the back?" - The Milkman
- "Once it's in, you'll love it!" - The Interior Decorator
- "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again." - The Stock Broker
- "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." - The Banker
- "Shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots." -The Hunter
- "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?" - The Telephone Guy
Friday, November 25, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Funny Jokes Add Humor To Your Day
"Knock, knock" How many times have you heard these two words and a spontaneous smile has come on to your face? And why not? The start to funny jokes indeed lights up your face with that great smile. "Well, who's there?" You have often asked, getting various kinds of witty replies making you sometimes laugh sometimes just smile but every time get an instant sensation of a happy feeling. Short funny jokes like these have been in our lives for centuries.
Funny jokes are meant to awaken the child within all of us. With the world going at a really crazy pace, people forget to stop and smile a bit. Jokes, invoke laughter in people and laughter is the essence of life. A funny joke or a funny cool joke cracked here and there can ease any cold situation and put to rest all problems.
Stand up comedy or on the spot funny jokes are the funniest of all. These 'stand up' jokes can be for any situation. A person with a witty sense of humor will be able to crack any joke at any situation like wedding jokes, birthday jokes or for special occasions he could come up with some cranky or zany jokes.
What is life without humor and what can give more smiles to one's face than some funny and very funny jokes. Between friends we often witness funny practical jokes. These are a lot of fun but should be done in a certain limit. With the advent of mobile technology, funny SMS jokes are highly popular among the young. It is like a way of sending smiles to people you love.
Imagine reading a joke when you are in the midst of work pressure? Funny jokes not only result in a beautiful smile at the spur of the moment, but also give a relaxed mindset, thereby making people more focused at their work. Funny jokes help you to laugh and make your surroundings cheerful. After all it is an age old saying that laughter is the best medicine. So why do we have to spend thousands at the hospital, when we have an excellent medicine at our hands?
Jokes pertaining to certain occasions are very popular. Funny wedding jokes are an excellent example of this. A wedding is an important event in one's life and jokes about this special event definitely go down well. Funny wedding jokes are becoming more popular these days with the youth and middle aged community.
Now you can find a huge number of jokes online and on this site. There are no specific jokes on this page but check out the other pages here - you might find a laugh or two. LOL jokes can be found on the Internet so just read and have a hearty laugh to stay relaxed. Let's try to smile to the maximum level possible. We are the only species gifted with the power of laughter, so let's crack up a bit, shall we?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the lecturer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Thursday, August 11, 2011
SIMPLE TRUTH
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats"
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good Job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated"
Do you agree ?
SIMPLE TRUTH 3
Woman sleeps with 3 men, everyone calls her a slut
But when a man sleeps with 10 women, everyone calls him a real man. How come?"
Truth of the story:
When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, its a Master Key . . . !"
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats"
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good Job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated"
Do you agree ?
SIMPLE TRUTH 3
Woman sleeps with 3 men, everyone calls her a slut
But when a man sleeps with 10 women, everyone calls him a real man. How come?"
Truth of the story:
When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, its a Master Key . . . !"
Customer Service
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
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