Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste it on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn!
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Anyway, 1% of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers. So people who don’t drink are very dangerous because they cause 99% of traffic accidents.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO … Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A Poem By An African Child
When I born, I Black,
When I grow up, I Black,
When I go in sun, I Black,
When I scared, I Black,
When I sick, I Black,
When I die, I Black,
And you white fellas :
When you born, you pink,
When you grow up, you white,
When you go in sun, you red,
When you cold, you blue,
When you scared, you yellow,
When you sick, you green,
When you die, you gray & you
calling me colored?
When I grow up, I Black,
When I go in sun, I Black,
When I scared, I Black,
When I sick, I Black,
When I die, I Black,
And you white fellas :
When you born, you pink,
When you grow up, you white,
When you go in sun, you red,
When you cold, you blue,
When you scared, you yellow,
When you sick, you green,
When you die, you gray & you
calling me colored?
Why are Call Centre guys paid so much
1 ) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
5). Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ??????
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ?????
7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ??????
8).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ??????
9). Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????
10). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech support : ?????
11). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
12). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : ??????
The best of the lot
13). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE at
the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22 .
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
Hight Of all (Too Good)
14) customer care officer: I need a product identification number
right now and may I help u in
finding it out?
Customer: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how do I find your computer?
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
5). Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ??????
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ?????
7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ??????
8).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ??????
9). Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????
10). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech support : ?????
11). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
12). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : ??????
The best of the lot
13). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE at
the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22 .
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
Hight Of all (Too Good)
14) customer care officer: I need a product identification number
right now and may I help u in
finding it out?
Customer: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how do I find your computer?
Innocent, Funny & Amazing Letters to President by Little Children
Dear President Obama,
We're almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut.
Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I'll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She's from Mexico but don't tell anyone 'cuz it's a big secret.
Chip, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I want a Super Soaker and Roller blades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he's just some fat Swede and you're the leader of the free world. It's no contest! Anyway, I've been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don't listen.
Sonny, age 10
Dear President Obama,
Can you really turn back time? Mommy's life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don't accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn't exist. It's a paradox.
Ashley, age 8
Dear President Obama,
There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it's too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It's small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.
Gene, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I'll vote for you forever, I promise!
Hank, age 10
Dear President Obama,
I'm hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can't afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!
Conny, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I'm not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It's not fair!
Teddy, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.
Zack, age 8
We're almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut.
Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I'll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She's from Mexico but don't tell anyone 'cuz it's a big secret.
Chip, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I want a Super Soaker and Roller blades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he's just some fat Swede and you're the leader of the free world. It's no contest! Anyway, I've been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don't listen.
Sonny, age 10
Dear President Obama,
Can you really turn back time? Mommy's life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don't accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn't exist. It's a paradox.
Ashley, age 8
Dear President Obama,
There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it's too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It's small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.
Gene, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I'll vote for you forever, I promise!
Hank, age 10
Dear President Obama,
I'm hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can't afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!
Conny, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I'm not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It's not fair!
Teddy, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.
Zack, age 8
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The Obama-Mobile
THIS PRESIDENT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYBODY
IN THE PAST.
The Obamamobile: New presidential limo is unveiled - and it can withstand rocket and chemical attacks
It's official call sign is Cadillac One, but it will always be known as the Obamobile.
IN THE PAST.
The Obamamobile: New presidential limo is unveiled - and it can withstand rocket and chemical attacks
It's official call sign is Cadillac One, but it will always be known as the Obamobile.
But his Secret Service agents have already been familiarising themselves with the machine they call 'The Beast', built by General Motors in Detroit and based on a Cadillac chassis.
The company refuses to give precise details of how it will perform its primary purpose - protecting the president.
But bulletproof glass and armourplatingare standard throughout and the car is hermetically-sealed to withstand chemical weapons.
As with previous presidential limos it is packed with electronic communication systems to allow Mr Obama to keep in contact with the outside world.
One personal touch will be the remote-controlled ten-CD changer on which he can play his favourite artists, said to include Stevie Wonder and Bob Dylan.
Despite the protection afforded by Cadillac One, the Secret Service will be taking no chances when Mr Obama is sworn in as the 44th president.
A three-mile security perimeter will be thrown around the U.S. Capital, with no vehicles allowed inside, to prevent a car bomb attack.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Java interview
Ques: What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
Ans: Terms are different ... Nothing more
Ques: What is JFC?
Ans: Jilebi, Fanta Coffee
Ques: Explain 2-tier and 3-tier Architecture ?
Ans: Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
Ques: I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
Ans: Send it through courier.
Ques: Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
Ans: As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Ques: How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
Ans: Non living things can't communicate.
Ques: What is meant by flickering ?
Ans: Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
Ques: Explain RMI Architecture?
Ans: I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Ques: What is the use of Servlets ?
Ans: In hotels, they can replace servers.
Ques: What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
Ans: Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
Ques: When is update method called ?
Ans: Who is update method?
Ques: What is JAR file ?
Ans: File that can be kept inside a jar.
Ques: What is JINI ?
Ans: A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Ques: How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
Ans: I will give invitation.
Ques: How you can know about drivers and database information ?
Ans: I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
Ques: What is serialization ?
Ans: Arranging one after the other from left to right.
Ques: What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
Ans: A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Ques: Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
Ans: When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.
Ques: What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object ?
Ans: If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast.
Ans: Terms are different ... Nothing more
Ques: What is JFC?
Ans: Jilebi, Fanta Coffee
Ques: Explain 2-tier and 3-tier Architecture ?
Ans: Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
Ques: I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
Ans: Send it through courier.
Ques: Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
Ans: As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Ques: How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
Ans: Non living things can't communicate.
Ques: What is meant by flickering ?
Ans: Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
Ques: Explain RMI Architecture?
Ans: I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Ques: What is the use of Servlets ?
Ans: In hotels, they can replace servers.
Ques: What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
Ans: Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
Ques: When is update method called ?
Ans: Who is update method?
Ques: What is JAR file ?
Ans: File that can be kept inside a jar.
Ques: What is JINI ?
Ans: A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Ques: How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
Ans: I will give invitation.
Ques: How you can know about drivers and database information ?
Ans: I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
Ques: What is serialization ?
Ans: Arranging one after the other from left to right.
Ques: What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
Ans: A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Ques: Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
Ans: When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.
Ques: What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object ?
Ans: If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Compulsive Gambler
There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"
The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything."
"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."
The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he promised.
It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.
"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.
So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I
will bet 50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"
Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"
Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.
Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny.
Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.
"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."
Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again."
The father is quite curious as to how she did it.
"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."
"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"
"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.
"That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class....!"
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"
The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything."
"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."
The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he promised.
It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.
"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.
So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I
will bet 50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"
Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"
Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.
Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny.
Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.
"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."
Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again."
The father is quite curious as to how she did it.
"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."
"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"
"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.
"That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class....!"
Let Experts do their Work
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets
president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work
for you.'
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said
'Who r u?' (instead of 'How r u?'. )
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied
'me too, ha-ha... .'.
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
Moral of the Story:
Let Experts do their Work
president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work
for you.'
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said
'Who r u?' (instead of 'How r u?'. )
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied
'me too, ha-ha... .'.
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
Moral of the Story:
Let Experts do their Work
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded. "
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their tails are interchangeable. "
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded. "
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their tails are interchangeable. "
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
why men rarely write advice columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady.
I am 32, my husband is 34, and we've been married for 12 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having
an affair for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He
was let go from his job six months ago, and stated he's feeling
depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him
the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Anne
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float
chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady.
I am 32, my husband is 34, and we've been married for 12 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having
an affair for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He
was let go from his job six months ago, and stated he's feeling
depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him
the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Anne
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float
chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
Three Women In A Sauna
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman
pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. I have a
microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'that was
my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out
of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said........ .'Well, will you look at that....I'm
getting a fax!'
pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. I have a
microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'that was
my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out
of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said........ .'Well, will you look at that....I'm
getting a fax!'
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Men never listen
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and
a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm wate r was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to
this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out.......when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring
down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your willy is under your pillow.'
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and
a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm wate r was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to
this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out.......when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring
down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your willy is under your pillow.'
Bill Gates- After Death
Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you
helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm
going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said
Bill. "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!
Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting
about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, THAT!" said God.
"That was the screen saver"....!! !!!!!!!
helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm
going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said
Bill. "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!
Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting
about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, THAT!" said God.
"That was the screen saver"....!! !!!!!!!
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