Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $ 100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $ 200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Doctor food and diets
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste it on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn!
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Anyway, 1% of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers. So people who don’t drink are very dangerous because they cause 99% of traffic accidents.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO … Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste it on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn!
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Anyway, 1% of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers. So people who don’t drink are very dangerous because they cause 99% of traffic accidents.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO … Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A Poem By An African Child
When I born, I Black,
When I grow up, I Black,
When I go in sun, I Black,
When I scared, I Black,
When I sick, I Black,
When I die, I Black,
And you white fellas :
When you born, you pink,
When you grow up, you white,
When you go in sun, you red,
When you cold, you blue,
When you scared, you yellow,
When you sick, you green,
When you die, you gray & you
calling me colored?
When I grow up, I Black,
When I go in sun, I Black,
When I scared, I Black,
When I sick, I Black,
When I die, I Black,
And you white fellas :
When you born, you pink,
When you grow up, you white,
When you go in sun, you red,
When you cold, you blue,
When you scared, you yellow,
When you sick, you green,
When you die, you gray & you
calling me colored?
Why are Call Centre guys paid so much
1 ) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
5). Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ??????
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ?????
7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ??????
8).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ??????
9). Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????
10). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech support : ?????
11). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
12). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : ??????
The best of the lot
13). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE at
the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22 .
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
Hight Of all (Too Good)
14) customer care officer: I need a product identification number
right now and may I help u in
finding it out?
Customer: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how do I find your computer?
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
5). Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ??????
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ?????
7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ??????
8).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ??????
9). Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????
10). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech support : ?????
11). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
12). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : ??????
The best of the lot
13). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE at
the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22 .
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
Hight Of all (Too Good)
14) customer care officer: I need a product identification number
right now and may I help u in
finding it out?
Customer: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how do I find your computer?
Innocent, Funny & Amazing Letters to President by Little Children
Dear President Obama,
We're almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut.
Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I'll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She's from Mexico but don't tell anyone 'cuz it's a big secret.
Chip, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I want a Super Soaker and Roller blades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he's just some fat Swede and you're the leader of the free world. It's no contest! Anyway, I've been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don't listen.
Sonny, age 10
Dear President Obama,
Can you really turn back time? Mommy's life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don't accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn't exist. It's a paradox.
Ashley, age 8
Dear President Obama,
There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it's too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It's small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.
Gene, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I'll vote for you forever, I promise!
Hank, age 10
Dear President Obama,
I'm hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can't afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!
Conny, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I'm not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It's not fair!
Teddy, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.
Zack, age 8
We're almost out of ivory toothpicks and we need a new hedge maze (the old one is too easy). Please give Daddy another tax cut.
Pleeeaaassseee? If you do, I'll get Yolanda to bake you some cookies. She's from Mexico but don't tell anyone 'cuz it's a big secret.
Chip, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I want a Super Soaker and Roller blades and an X-Box 360 with lots of games. Mom says I should write to Santa Claus instead, but he's just some fat Swede and you're the leader of the free world. It's no contest! Anyway, I've been pretty good this year, except for that thing with the glue gun, but that was totally not my fault. Cats just don't listen.
Sonny, age 10
Dear President Obama,
Can you really turn back time? Mommy's life partner says you want to go back to a time when radio was popular and people wore hats and there were tigers everywhere. Just be careful that you don't accidentally kill your own grandmother or grandfather, because then you wouldn't exist. It's a paradox.
Ashley, age 8
Dear President Obama,
There are too many states. I have to memorize all of them AND their stupid capitals (even Bismarck) and it's too hard! Please get rid of some of them before I fail geography. Why not start with North Dakota? It's small and cold and its state animal is a gopher. Nobody likes gophers.
Gene, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Electric cars suck. Please tell the car people to make cars that runs on tofu (YUCK!) and have built-in George Foreman grills for hamburgers (YUM!) and anti-condor catapults on the roof (COOL!). I'll vote for you forever, I promise!
Hank, age 10
Dear President Obama,
I'm hungry. Mommy lost her second job at Target and now we can't afford relish or anything. Please put food on my family! Anything you can spare would be great. God bless!
Conny, age 7
Dear President Obama,
I used to want to be a politician like you, but not anymore. Aunt Lucy says politicians eat pies stuffed with baby birds. I tried to bake a pie like that, and now I'm not allowed in the park anymore, not even just to use the swings. It's not fair!
Teddy, age 9
Dear President Obama,
Please find enclosed fifty cents. I am a lobbyist, this is a campaign contribution, and now I own you. The first thing I want you to do is pass a law against bathtime. I HATE BATHTIME! Do it before supper and there is another fifty cents in it for you.
Zack, age 8
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