Fwd: Laugh off

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along
with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employeewho was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying .

Reply to :How to ask ur boss for a salary increase..?

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear NOrman,

I kNO w you have been working very hard. NO wadays, NO thing much has
changed. You must have NO ticed that our company is NO t doing NO ticeably
well as yet.

NO w the newspaper are saying the
world`s leading ecoNO mists are NOt
sure if the United States may go into
aNO ther recession. After the
NOvember presidential elections things
may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You
kNO w what I mean.


Yours truly,
Manager

How to ask ur boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee
sends a letter to his boss
asking for an increase in
his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ ome thing
mo$ t de$perately. I think you $hould
be under$ tanding of the need$ of u $
worker$ who have given $ o much
$upport including $ weat and $ ervice to
your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon .

Your$ $incerely,


Norman $oh

Acient Japanese Proverb

FW: Love story using Traffic Signs

FW: This one is for women..........MUST READ!

Love this !

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy a pair of shoes instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop buying new shoes years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. "Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and buying new shoes."

fw:MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE

THIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE !

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

FW:STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE
SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick
.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"

Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Fw: Be Sure First

After a long night of making love, the man notices a framed photo of another

man leaned on her lampstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
Reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.


"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

FW: Business logic at its best !!!

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank"
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even if we have nothing, we can get Anything. But our attitude should be positive .

FW: the phone call

STRESS RELIEVER

Body: Stress Reliever .. 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem
can
there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever .. 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever .. 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever .. 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of
the
night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever .. 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO
LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever .. 6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever .. 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls
Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Stress Reliever .. 9
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

Stress Reliever .. 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married
her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Stress Reliever .. 11
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Stress Reliever .. 12

"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?"
Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side."

Stress Reliever .. 13
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or
my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humour."

LESSONS IN LOGIC

1. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
 if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

2. I was born intelligent - education ruined me

3. Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why
practise?

4. If it's true that we are here to help others,
 then what exactly are the others here for?

5. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright
 until you hear them  speak.

6. How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

7. Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

8. One should love animals. They are so tasty.

9. Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
 And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

10.Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only  thing
in
 life.

11. The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.

12. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

13. Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

14. "Your future depends on your dreams"..so go to sleep

15. There should be a better way to start a day..than waking up
  every morning.

16. "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk?

17. "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours....

18. God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

19. The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know,
  the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know.
  So..why learn.

20. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train
  stops. On my desk, I have a work station....what more can I say...