Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,"Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tips From the Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good
his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance,
such as, 'Yall sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Weddings
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
3.Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun
is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good
his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance,
such as, 'Yall sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Weddings
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
3.Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun
is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Women Friends chatting in office
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three
minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It
was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell
asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they
cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my
wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left
for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home
remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the
house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my
wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three
minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It
was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell
asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they
cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my
wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left
for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home
remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the
house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my
wife was jabbering away for another hour!
double meaning quotes
- "Take your clothes off." - The Doctor
- "Open wide." - The Dentist
- "Do you want it teased or blown?" - The Hairdresser
- "Do you want it in the front or the back?" - The Milkman
- "Once it's in, you'll love it!" - The Interior Decorator
- "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again." - The Stock Broker
- "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." - The Banker
- "Shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots." -The Hunter
- "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?" - The Telephone Guy
Friday, November 25, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Funny Jokes Add Humor To Your Day
"Knock, knock" How many times have you heard these two words and a spontaneous smile has come on to your face? And why not? The start to funny jokes indeed lights up your face with that great smile. "Well, who's there?" You have often asked, getting various kinds of witty replies making you sometimes laugh sometimes just smile but every time get an instant sensation of a happy feeling. Short funny jokes like these have been in our lives for centuries.
Funny jokes are meant to awaken the child within all of us. With the world going at a really crazy pace, people forget to stop and smile a bit. Jokes, invoke laughter in people and laughter is the essence of life. A funny joke or a funny cool joke cracked here and there can ease any cold situation and put to rest all problems.
Stand up comedy or on the spot funny jokes are the funniest of all. These 'stand up' jokes can be for any situation. A person with a witty sense of humor will be able to crack any joke at any situation like wedding jokes, birthday jokes or for special occasions he could come up with some cranky or zany jokes.
What is life without humor and what can give more smiles to one's face than some funny and very funny jokes. Between friends we often witness funny practical jokes. These are a lot of fun but should be done in a certain limit. With the advent of mobile technology, funny SMS jokes are highly popular among the young. It is like a way of sending smiles to people you love.
Imagine reading a joke when you are in the midst of work pressure? Funny jokes not only result in a beautiful smile at the spur of the moment, but also give a relaxed mindset, thereby making people more focused at their work. Funny jokes help you to laugh and make your surroundings cheerful. After all it is an age old saying that laughter is the best medicine. So why do we have to spend thousands at the hospital, when we have an excellent medicine at our hands?
Jokes pertaining to certain occasions are very popular. Funny wedding jokes are an excellent example of this. A wedding is an important event in one's life and jokes about this special event definitely go down well. Funny wedding jokes are becoming more popular these days with the youth and middle aged community.
Now you can find a huge number of jokes online and on this site. There are no specific jokes on this page but check out the other pages here - you might find a laugh or two. LOL jokes can be found on the Internet so just read and have a hearty laugh to stay relaxed. Let's try to smile to the maximum level possible. We are the only species gifted with the power of laughter, so let's crack up a bit, shall we?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the lecturer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)