The Doctor:Because, he tells you to take off your clothes.
The Dentist:Because, he tells you to open wide.
The Milkman:Because, he asks you;do you want it in the front or the back?
The Hairdresser: Because, he asks you do you want it blown or teased?
The Interior Decorater:Because, he tells you once it's in you'll like it.
The Banker:Because, he tells you, if you take it out to soon,you'll lose interest.
Last But Not Least,The Hunter:Because, he goes deep into the bush, he always shoots twice,and he always eats what he shoots.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Date Killers
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
1) "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra ?"
2) "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I had this coupon."
3) "No wine for me. My urologist says not to mix alcohol and penicillin."
4) "I used to come here all the time with my ex."
5) "I never said you need a nose job. I said you should consider it."
6) "My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear me on the answering machine every hour."
7) "I've really grown, used to be, I wouldn't give someone like you a second look."
8) "You don't have any sexual taboos, do ya?"
9) "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
10) "I've come to accept that most women I date just won't be as smart as I am."
11) "Glad you could make it on short notice. My girlfriend was busy."
12) "I can't wait until tomorrow to tell my shrink about you."
1) "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra ?"
2) "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I had this coupon."
3) "No wine for me. My urologist says not to mix alcohol and penicillin."
4) "I used to come here all the time with my ex."
5) "I never said you need a nose job. I said you should consider it."
6) "My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear me on the answering machine every hour."
7) "I've really grown, used to be, I wouldn't give someone like you a second look."
8) "You don't have any sexual taboos, do ya?"
9) "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
10) "I've come to accept that most women I date just won't be as smart as I am."
11) "Glad you could make it on short notice. My girlfriend was busy."
12) "I can't wait until tomorrow to tell my shrink about you."
Signs Your Wife is Bored of Having Sex With You
1) When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til Pervez Musharraf kicks in a new U Turn."
2) Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your arse.
3) Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
4) Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
5) Only moans during commercial breaks.
6) Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
7) Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
8) You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.
9) Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
10) Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her shalwar on too.
11) Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
12) Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
13) Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.
14) Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.."
2) Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your arse.
3) Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
4) Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
5) Only moans during commercial breaks.
6) Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
7) Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
8) You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.
9) Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
10) Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her shalwar on too.
11) Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
12) Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
13) Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.
14) Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.."
A young couple
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
How To Become A Dad
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ' 'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ' 'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
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