Wasting your life

A German teenage boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?" asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Oh Grandfather! " replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!" replied Grandpa. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied Grandpa. "The German army!"

Call In Sick

Bob calls in to his job:"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."The boss says:"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."2 hours later Bob calls:"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

A man was being interviewed for a job

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.